NEW YORK – Following the reported crash of EgyptAir flight MS804, en route from Paris to Cairo Thursday morning, a panicked Donald Trump was spotted at 8am EST in Times Square having vigorous sex with a mime dressed like the Statue of Liberty.
“Oh God, we are making America great again folks, believe me!” said the former reality show star and GOP presidential nominee, exchanging passionate, jerky thrusts with the nation’s purest embodiment of freedom, hope and opportunity. “This is tremendous, just the most elegant, classiest performance, and so much stamina; many people are talking about it, talking about my stamina, saying I have excellent, excellent stamina, really the best people.”
The stunt comes after hours of wall-to-wall coverage of the apparent downing of the EgyptAir Airbus A320, with 66 passengers on board, briefly knocked Trump out of the cable news cycle for the first time in 36 weeks. “As you know, in terms of both national and international significance, plane crashes supersede all but one story” said CNN president Jeff Zucker speaking to reporters Thursday. “Fortunately, that one story is anything involving a politician’s dick and balls, so in this case we were compelled to pivot to a live feed of Mr. Trump laying awkward, sweaty pipe to America’s Great Lady.”
Trump’s effort was just the latest in a slew of largely successful attempts to monopolize 24hr cable news, including his tweeting of a photo celebrating Cinco de Mayo with a ‘taco bowl’, challenging freshly minted London mayor Sadiq Khan to an IQ test and appearing at an Oregon rally freely exposing his teeny tiny baby hands.
Trump continues campaigning in California Friday.