LAS VEGAS – Despite a recent firestorm of scandals, including being accused of allegedly committing sexual assault, describing on tape that he enjoys sexual assault and attacking an accuser for being too ugly to justify sexual assault, Donald Trump spent most of Wednesday night’s final presidential debate making, really, some pretty good points out there if we’re being honest.

“I’ve been saying it for months folks, Latvian scientists control the weather” Trump shared, garnering a subtle nod of agreement from Hillary Clinton. “That’s right, an international cabal of Latvian scientists, the deaf, FIFA and Dora The Explorer has a secret weapon that can control the world’s weather and also make extra guacamole more and more expensive, and that’s very dangerous, and we have got to figure out what’s going on.”

Transitioning to the economy, asked by debate moderator Chris Wallace how he would help America’s struggling middle class, Trump argued the real problem was not with trade or productivity growth but with another factor altogether. “Fortune cookies are turning our kids gay folks, many people have been saying it. CHINA is sending us gay fortune cookies and we’re doing nothing, so weak. I’ll tell you this, not with Trump, believe me. We’re putting Confucius in prison right there with Crooked Hillary Clinton and we’ll see how good they are putting lucky numbers on license plates.”

GOP candidate Donald Trump, making the case that Beyoncé and George Soros are putting fluoride in our water supply to force us into buying high-interest adjustable rate mortgages. (AP Photo)

Wrapping up on the topic of national defense, Trump blasted Clinton’s perceived diplomatic failures as secretary of state, suggesting that “the Koreans designed the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 to blow all our dicks off. Everybody knows it. Big league.”

“[sniff].”

(L&B)

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