Author Archives: stevekenning
Nation’s boyfriends distraught over ever-broadening definition of faking it
SOUTH BEND – America’s boyfriends were sent reeling Wednesday after news surfaced that the long held definition of having your sexual partner ‘fake it’ was being substantially widened, to include a broad range of instances where a girlfriend simply does not exist at all. Reacting while sobbing, head-in-hands at the foot of his girlfriend’s bed, […]
Report: Friends’ New Years Plan Really Coming Together
TORONTO – According to sources a group of 25 friends have really nailed down a single, well-organized plan for New Years Eve. “It was pretty simple”, confirmed group organizer Lindsay Stalls, speaking Friday while relaxing in the assurance she had a roundly supported schedule for ringing in 2013. “The club had plenty of reasonably priced […]
Wounded schoolchildren warn of politicizing CT school shooting
NEWTOWN – Having successfully evaded the murderous rampage of a vile, mentally damaged psychopath, students from Newtown’s Sandy Hook Elementary School are now warning of the dangers of politicizing this most recent act of domestic mass murder. “Now is not the time to talk about gun control!” shouted Susie Jenkins, a delightfully adorable 10 year […]
Guy Fieri distraught, sickened by foul sandwich
NASHVILLE – Sampling his first bite of Ma Stevenson’s Famous Smoked Chicken Sandwich, the nearly 100-year old signature entree at Annie’s Diner in Claremont, TN, Guy Fieri, host of the Food Network’s popular Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, was reported to be, according to one patron, “absolutely fucking disgusted”. After spending much of the day excitedly […]
Local resident reportedly can’t believe what this world is coming to
TULSA – According to reports, an area man is sincerely sure this whole place is going to hell in a handbasket, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to sit around and watch it happen. Reached for comment sitting in an old musty recliner, Joseph Thackery, 72, was ardent that he just can’t understand what’s […]
Following Romney loss, GOP pledges to ‘just try some shit’
WASHINGTON – With Mitt Romney’s failed presidential bid still looming in recent memory, Republican strategists have spent the last several weeks scrambling to craft a new party platform, with heavy emphasis on throwing a whole bunch of shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. With Congressional leaders engaged in writing a variety of stuff […]
Nation’s mothers very concerned you might be getting sick
MINNEAPOLIS – With another Thanksgiving weekend fast approaching, mothers across the country are once again preparing to latch onto even the tiniest sniffle as proof that you’re getting a cold. Covering a range of festive scenarios, from you sweeping leaves off your front lawn, to you taking in your nephew’s outdoor football game, your mother […]
Through vitriolic Twitter argument, Israeli, Palestinian teenagers solve Gaza conflict
TEL AVIV – Following a heated Twitter exchange, Seth Adom of Tel Aviv and Khalid Al Massri of Gaza appear to have solved and ended the ongoing bloody conflict that had been engulfing the Gaza strip. The argument began around 10pm Monday evening, with Adom posting to his Twitter account a photo of Israel’s new […]
Local resident does errands
BOSTON – An area man was reportedly seen in Boston’s South End this past Sunday rapidly ducking in and out of local businesses, toting a paper checklist of items he needed to purchase, return, or exchange. According to witnesses, the man, approximately 45 years of age, was dressed in a baggy, tucked-in Ralph Lauren polo […]
Feinstein: Nation deserves answers on Petraeus’s affair, package
WASHINGTON – In the wake of the ongoing scandal involving an affair between former Director of the CIA David Petraeus, his biographer Paula Broadwell, and Miami socialite Jill Kelly, media outlets and top lawmakers are scrambling for information. Appearing on The Situation Room Tuesday afternoon, Senator Diane Feinstein, Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee was […]