Author Archives: stevekenning
Editorial: Nation founded on inalienable right to bear an olde timey stick of dynamite
By Martin Smedley OPINION – In the wake of yet another deadly act of domestic terrorism, we as Americans must once again make clear that as a nation we remain resolutely in support of our constitutional right to keep and bear a single, olde-timey stick of dynamite, if we want. As has been said time and time again, the answer to the […]
Facebook to begin offering 4-year degree program in international relations
MENLO PARK – Touting its reputation as a hub of measured, civil discourse, social media giant Facebook confirmed via press release Thursday morning it will this month begin granting an accredited 4-year undergraduate degree in international relations. “If our users have consistently demonstrated one thing it’s that their indispensable insights on national and international news are matched only by their eagerness to […]
Top diabetes prospect Scott MacLean, 6, excited for 2014 Halloween season
JACKSON – With the 2014 Halloween season a mere 2 days away, all eyes are on 6-year old and top type II diabetes prospect Scott MacLean, of Jackson, Mississippi. MacLean, nicknamed “Mr. October” after putting up back-to-back 10,000 calorie Halloweens, has high hopes this year, setting the ambitious goal of reaching an insulin-defying blood-glucose level of 150 mg/dL. “His numbers have been truly astounding,” […]
Tesla announces development of new 340hp ‘Model Penis’
MENLO PARK – Following Tesla’s announcement Wednesday that the rapidly growing electric carmaker would soon be launching its new ‘Model D’, CEO Elon Musk hinted Thursday that it had just begun development of an exciting new 340hp concept, the ‘Model Penis’. About time to unveil the D and something else pic.twitter.com/qp23yi59i6 — Elon Musk (@elonmusk) October […]
NFL announces new effort cracking down on rampant expense policy abuse
NEW YORK – In the wake of several recent allegations of domestic violence involving NFL players, including the Baltimore Ravens’ Ray Rice and Minnesota Vikings’ Adrian Peterson, the league Wednesday unveiled a comprehensive new program aimed at curbing what has come to be seen as excessive expense policy abuse. Speaking at a press conference in New York Wednesday morning, […]
BlackBerry unveils new line of business school case studies
WATERLOO – At a high profile event at its Waterloo, Ontario headquarters this week, smartphone maker BlackBerry (NASDAQ: BBRY) announced its latest product extension, a line of 7 new business-school case studies, all centered around how to run a once-great company straight into the ground. Speaking at the event, BlackBerry CEO John Chen laid out the development process […]
Little Bradley Davis tops Inc. Magazine’s 2014 ‘top 4 under 4’
SAN FRANCISCO – Bradley Davis never expected he’d one day be at the helm of his own flourishing startup. But today, having founded cx*j4$”’ly.tv, a global leader in open-source, crowd-funded, client-authoritative server distribution platforms, the now-potty-trained 28-month-old runs one of the world’s most highly respected technology companies, and sits alone atop Inc. Magazine’s 2014 ‘Top 4 Under 4’ in tech. […]
Review: Prequel reveals how Rob Ford came to live in a van down by the river
TORONTO – After years of waiting, fans of Rob Ford’s debut film Rob Ford: Motivational Speaker are now being treated to its much anticipated prequel, Rob Ford: Crack Smoking Mayor. In the single-camera, made-for-tv movie, we follow the personal and professional downward spiral of Ford, descending from the highest political office in North America’s 4th […]
Airline check-in representative occupied, typing
AUSTIN – According to late breaking reports, United Airlines check-in desk representative Rhonda Miller is presently so intently focused on her computer terminal as to be completely unaware of the end-times hellscape unfolding all around her. “I’m a little worried about her, frankly” said Los Angeles bound passenger John Stanton, from the rear of a […]
Victoria reveals secret she drugged and kidnapped a vacuum salesman in 1949
COLUMBUS – Speaking from her hospital bed at the Wexner Medical Center at The Ohio State University, Victoria’s Secret founder and Chairwoman Victoria Schnelsenburger, 89, revealed Friday that her lingerie empire’s famous namesake stems from her 8-day kidnapping of Stanley Francis, a door-to-door vacuum salesperson, in September, 1949. “You know, it’s funny to think back; […]