NEW YORK – Following his come-from-behind electoral win this past Tuesday, President-elect Donald Trump has announced the release of a limited edition Trump Vodka to commemorate his unexpected rise to the American presidency.
“It’s an exciting product, it’s very, very classy of course, and what’s really, really special is we’re going to be offering it first at a 75% discount to everyone who voted Trump”, said Trump, speaking Monday at Trump Tower. “We are making America great again – we’re really doing it – and we’re starting with my tremendous, unbelievable supporters.”
According to a press release from the vodka’s distributor, the bottles will each be emblazoned with the presidential seal, flecked with 22-karat gold leaf, and come attached to a tiny promotional sample of a flaming bag of dog shit.
Despite record pre-orders from across the country, media coverage of the promotion has so far been mixed at best, with many news outlets asking questions about why the ‘super premium’ spirit is being shipped with a very small but nonetheless non-optional bag of on-fire dog crap.
“This is about way more than small flaming bags of shit”, said an exasperated Trump Vodka CEO Gerp Wœrtle-Fermpits, speaking to reporters by phone Monday afternoon. “What we’re doing is finally offering a premium product – one that for too long has been accessible only to the coastal elites – at a price that hard working, Trump-voting Americans can afford. As to it being attached to a little paper bag full of Purina ONE™ that’s been shot out of a golden retriever’s rectum at 80 miles an hour? We don’t know who put that there, and we think it’s nothing more than a distraction at this point.”
Speaking while in line to buy a bottle outside a Jefferson County, PA liquor store, Trump voter Ned Simmons was of mixed feelings. “Look, out here in the Rust Belt we’re tired of only rich, city-living assholes being able to afford classy booze like Trump Vodka. So yes, I appreciate Donald Trump finally giving us regular working class folks a break. Do I care that it comes with a tiny, smelly bag of runny dog shit? Honestly, I’ll probably just chuck it my neighbor’s yard, so it’s really not my fuckin’ problem now, is it.”
Simmons’ partner, equally enthusiastic Trump voter Ashley-Lynn Manning, struck a similar tone. “I’ll tell you, for the last 8 years I have been just stewing in economic anxiety. So, when I got my Trump Vodka discount, well I was relieved as hell. Yeah, y’know, I have these black and brown and gay friends who keep sayin’ stuff like ‘you know you just paid money for fiery shit in a little paper bag’ and I’m like ‘I came here for the vodka, I don’t know what you’re fuckin’ talking about’.
As of press time scattered reports that many Trump supporters’ 75% off coupons weren’t working could not be confirmed.
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Readers interested in purchasing individual units of flaming dog shit can visit breitbart.com.