Monthly Archives: September 2012

Americans continue to weigh in on NFL officiating blunder

KABUL – Two days after Monday night’s NFL officiating controversy, in which the Seattle Seahawks were awarded a game-winning touchdown on what appeared to be an incomplete pass, emotional fan reactions are still pouring in. “At this point, I think we can now all agree the replacement refs have shown they’re unable to officiate at […]

3,000 Miami clubgoers spontaneously agree no one’s having fun

MIAMI – According to reports, around 1am this Sunday morning, partygoers at South Beach’s Plush nightclub all simultaneously realized they were having an absolutely fucking awful time. “Holy shit, do you know how loud it is in here?” shouted one agonized male guest, doubled-over near a large dance floor speaker. “The music is way, way too loud. It’s hurting […]

Amid latest f*ck up, last reasonable person abandons Romney

COLUMBUS – “I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore,” said Joe McIntire, speaking from his Columbus home Thursday morning. McIntire, a local small business owner, and the GOP’s last remaining moderate supporter, announced Wednesday that he would no longer be voting for the Republican presidential candidate. “Honestly, I thought Romney would be a pragmatic, dispassionate […]

As NHL lockout continues, Americans scramble for new sport to ignore

TORONTO – Despite months of negotiations, both the NHLPA and NHL owners this weekend failed to reach a new collective bargaining agreement, sending the league into lockout as of 12am Sunday morning. And while the news has caused outrage across Canada, the sport’s largest market, many commentators are suggesting those hardest hit reside south of […]

Violent protests erupt at US embassy in Ottawa

OTTAWA – Amid growing global tensions over US foreign policy, a demonstration broke out at the United States’ embassy in Ottawa Friday morning. The protesters, estimated to number between 5 and 10, have so far assembled a human wall of folding chairs along Avenue Mackenzie, and have begun hurling disproving looks. The tension was sparked earlier this […]

Chicago teachers continue strike, vow to last until Thursday at most

CHICAGO – Protesting what their union has called an ‘unfair and uncompetitive’ compensation package, Chicago Teachers walked off the job Monday, leaving hundreds of thousands of students out of the classroom. “It’s about respect and dignity,” said union spokesperson Debbie Mitchell, on a call from her downtown office Tuesday morning. “To think we have 23 […]

White House defends weak August job numbers, admits heart not really in it

WASHINGTON – Releasing its monthly jobs report Friday, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported the US had added only 96,000 new jobs in August, significantly fewer than forecast. The timing of the news, coming on the heels of the Democratic National Convention, presents a problem for President Obama, who’s recently been touting his role in […]

Sasha, Malia Obama hit the town, blow off school

CHARLOTTE – Despite a nationally televised plea from their father, first daughters Malia and Sasha Obama did not make it to their Washington D.C. area school Friday morning, amid wide reports they elected to spend their final night in Charlotte partying and drinking excessively. Having endured what Malia described as her dad’s “way boring” 42 […]

Drudge: Unaccompanied woman addresses crowd of liberals

CHARLOTTE – As reported initially by The Drudge Report, a lone, irate woman took the stage in Charlotte Tuesday night to address this year’s Democratic National Convention. Appearing without her husband, and baring uncovered shoulders, the woman spoke for approximately 25 minutes, while nearby security staff idly looked on. It is not presently clear whether […]

Democrats feverishly reshuffling convention to seriously not screw this one up you guys

CHARLOTTE – Chuck Nolan, spokesperson for this year’s Democratic National Convention, has said the DNC is working around the clock to lower expectations ahead of this week’s party meeting in Charlotte. “Following the RNC last week, we’ve determined our best strategy is to fill the next 72 hours with absolutely nothing”, said Nolan, addressing reporters […]