NEW YORK – Following Donald Trump’s nomination-clinching win in Tuesday’s Indiana primary, the ghost of George Washington stopped by Fox News late Tuesday evening to castigate the nation he helped usher into existence.
“This is why you can’t have nice things”, said the 1st President of the United States, hovering high above the city that bears his name. “I was Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army. Donald Trump tried to sell steaks at The Sharper Image.”
“I’m serious,” the Father Of The Nation continued. “Why are you morons voting for this man? Because he’s been endorsed by a bunch of college basketball coaches? What the fuck is basketball?”
“That’s not a rhetorical question. Someone on this viseographone please tell me at once.”
Not to be outdone, the ghost of Jefferson Davis joined MSNBC Wednesday morning to excoriate Trump, calling the New York billionaire’s proposals to bar Muslims from the country and deport undocumented immigrants ‘a little much’.