AUSTIN – According to late breaking reports, United Airlines check-in desk representative Rhonda Miller is presently so intently focused on her computer terminal as to be completely unaware of the end-times hellscape unfolding all around her.
“I’m a little worried about her, frankly” said Los Angeles bound passenger John Stanton, from the rear of a dense, unmoving line of several thousand passengers, eerily snaking its way though the airport. “I mean, I haven’t seen her look up once in the past hour. I can’t even imagine what she’s doing to block out such a vast ocean of human suffering.”
“Yeah, typing aggressively” was how United MileagePlus Premier Gold customer Nicki Makimono described the scene. “She’s one of only three agents on duty, and all I’ve seen her do since 6 o’clock this morning is type, tab, sigh, and shake her head.”
“I don’t think she’s used a mouse once”, Makimono added.
Commenting on the Orwellian dystopia currently descending upon the Austin-Bergstrom International Airport, UA spokesperson Tad Glick outlined the complex nature of airline operations. “During the check-in process our customer service team members have a variety of responsibilities. These can include wandering vaguely near our banks of self-service kiosks, assembling and reassembling our labyrinthine check-in lines, and repairing our fleet of dot-matrix printers. Unfortunately, in many cases these types of jobs take precedence, leaving our staff no choice but to show callous indifference to the plight of hundreds of our paying customers.”
Later in the day witnesses reported sighting Miller at the departure gate for United flight 563 to Portland, using the airport’s public address system to repeatedly mispronounce the names of several fictional passengers.
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