ORLANDO – Early Sunday morning, according to sources, the same thing that seemingly happens a lot happened again. Though details are still emerging, witnesses have described the situation in roughly the same way as it’s usually described, with only slight, spirit-crushing differences.
Reacting to the news, the people who usually think the thing is caused by one thing took to Twitter to point to that thing as the cause. In response, another group of people, who totally disagree, posted at length on Facebook about how the tragic thing was definitely not caused by the first thing, but by another totally different thing. “Now is definitely not the right time to talk about that thing, for some reason” said those people.
For their part, lawmakers have pledged to do everything in their power to ensure that the thing that will almost certainly happen again won’t happen again. That is unless the things being proposed are actual things (and not imaginary things) in which case fuck those things in their entirety.