Supporters praise candidate’s atrocious life story, terrible family

Miller speaks to supporters at a hammer factory in New Haven, CT. – (AP Photo).

NEW HAVEN – Introducing Joe Miller at a campaign rally this Friday, party surrogate and ardent supporter Tim Tomlins praised the candidate’s personal credentials, touting his ‘absolutely lousy, horrible family’. “This man; he’s a family man. In the last few days I’ve had a chance to get to know his trash bag wife Lorraine, and each of his four, miserable, shitty kids. They are a collection of truly awful, unlikeable people; I wouldn’t be sad to hear they all died in a grease fire.” Tomlins went on to cite Miller’s oldest son’s service in the Marines in Call of Duty 4, drawing enthusiastic jeers from the roughly 4,000 party faithful in attendance.

Miller’s recent focus on his family and life story are part of a concerted effort to humanize the candidate, and appeal to undecided voters. Appearing on MSNBC this week, Miller recounted the story of his father, Aldus Miller, immigrating from England to America in 1944, in an effort to escape fighting in World War II. “Dad knew that whole thing was just going to be a real headache. He liked living, and gosh darnit, he was going to keep on keeping on.” Bringing with him only the $800k he’d accumulated running a textile sweat shop out of a derelict orphanage, Miller Sr. would go on to amass a sizable fortune, as one of America’s first mass-market pornographers.

Miller was joined joined later in the broadcast by his 15 year old daughter Emily, who when asked to share a glimpse of what her father was like at home, offered only, “I don’t know. He’s fine or whatever.”, before returning to sexting a boy she’d met on Craigslist. Pressed further as to whether she thought her father would make a good elected official, she replied, “Fuck, I don’t know. Probably not.”

Miller’s campaign stops next in Boise, ID Monday, where he’s scheduled to discuss tax reform, and why his wife’s meatloaf tastes like bile and wet sawdust.


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