CHARLOTTE – Despite a nationally televised plea from their father, first daughters Malia and Sasha Obama did not make it to their Washington D.C. area school Friday morning, amid wide reports they elected to spend their final night in Charlotte partying and drinking excessively.
Having endured what Malia described as her dad’s “way boring” 42 minute speech, the two, now 14 and 11, left the Time Warner Center at 10:35pm EST by Secret Service motorcade, to a private table at Dixie’s Grill and Tavern on East 7th street. Once inside, the two were joined by several close friends including pop star Justin Bieber, astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson, and Vice-President Joe Biden.
Biden, no stranger to blue collar watering holes himself, was spotted at the bar taking Jager-bombs with Sasha, Wonkbook editor Ezra Klein, and Anger Management star Charlie Sheen. “I sincerely worry about the impact changes to the mortgage interest tax deduction will have on home ownership, and more broadly on the middle class,” Sheen was heard telling the group. Asked by Klein if she herself had an opinion on the Republican’s tax plan Sasha was overheard to respond, quote, “I have no idea, I’m 11. Are you going to drink that?”
Contacted for comment in her Malbu office, child psychologist Mary Steinberg was sympathetic to the young Obamas’ behavior, acknowledging the amount of pressure they’re under. “So, you ride to school in a bullet-proof car and a whole bunch of people want to kill your dad. That’s a total bummer when you’re trying to study for a biology test. Kids will be kids, so let them have their fun. Toss back a few beers girls, you’ve earned it.”
The night took a dramatic turn around 1:00am, when Malia, appearing heavily intoxicated, grabbed an unattended bottle of Jack Daniels, mounted a nearby table, and proceeded to shout repeatedly ‘It’s a celebration, bitches!!’ She was quickly restrained by bar staff, and led back to join her sister.
This instance was not the first time members of a first family have acted out in public. In 1994, apparently high on both cocaine and MDMA, Chelsea Clinton led DC Metro Police on a 2hr high-speed car chase, eventually sending her and her vehicle careening into the Potomac River.
A call to the White House Friday was not returned.