March 8th, 2017
WASHINGTON – This morning in an Oval Office ceremony, President Ted Cruz signed into law H.R. 26, The Modesty in Adult Relations Act, formally requiring that all American sexual intercourse now be exclusively between two married, heterosexual adults, wearing at least business casual, at a maximum frequency of once per fiscal quarter, performed through a small hole cut out of an opaque, 400 thread-count sheet.
The law, informally known as CruzControl, would make it a felony to engage in adult conduct ‘unbecoming a constitutional conservative’ and specifically bans ‘asymmetrical sexual positions’ and tightly restricts the sale of AXE® body spray.
“For too long this country has tolerated the excesses of the liberal far-left,” said the president, speaking to reporters in the Rose Garden. “In 2017, no one should have to live in fear that their wife will one day decide they should ‘try something new’, ‘get a little frisky’, or ‘take off their socks’. This law will protect American families and ensure sex remains the joyless chore that God intended.”
The law comes on the heels of an explosive report from Cruz’s Secretary of Health and Human Services Rick Santorum, indicating that in many states, adventurous, ‘atypical’ sex acts were far more common than previously believed. The report, entitled “Felching & Coastal Elites; American Family Values Circling The Drain” suggests that for decades millions of citizens have been freely enjoying stimulating adult relationships without the explicit consent of federal and state governments.
“Intimate relations should be between one man and one woman, locking eye contact in a pitch black, medically sterile room.” wrote Santorum. “If citizens feel compelled to continue to flout these conventions, perhaps by engaging in excessively noisy or athletic copulation, the only solution may end up being mass deportations to more suitable ‘Latin’ countries.”
President Cruz leaves Friday for a two week tour of the Middle East, where he’s expected to press government leaders in Jordan, Qatar and Saudi Arabia to lend support to his global crackdown on the proliferation of enormous black dildos.