SOUTH BEND – America’s boyfriends were sent reeling Wednesday after news surfaced that the long held definition of having your sexual partner ‘fake it’ was being substantially widened, to include a broad range of instances where a girlfriend simply does not exist at all.
Reacting while sobbing, head-in-hands at the foot of his girlfriend’s bed, Joe Walton, a demonstrably real human, could not believe that after months of doubting whether he was succeeding in delivering his partner even an ounce of wanton, carnal pleasure, he had also, in fact, many years ahead of wondering whether or not she was merely a figment of his cruel and deceptive imagination. “No no no NO NO NO!” sobbed Walsh, clutching his girlfriend’s ankle while scanning the room for rope or perhaps duct tape. “Tell me, just, PROMISE ME that all those times you told me I’d left you completely sexually satisfied and also that you were a living, sentient being, you were 100% telling the truth?”
In a similar state of shock, Mike Davis was reportedly found by his friends, cuddled alone on his couch watching Love Actually, in a desperate attempt to reanimate the non-entity he’d been dating the past 2 years.
The decision to expand the breadth of situations wherein women could have been said to be ‘faking it’ comes on the heels of a 2012 Stanford University study which found that, “Despite the fact a partner may say they’ve been fully actual and completely existent with you, at most they were non-theoretical only 50-60% of the time”.
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