Hillary to millennials: Trump will take your LaCroix

DENVER – Speaking before a packed house of 18-34 year olds at the Denver Hilton Hotel Monday, Hillary Clinton began a new push to boost her appeal with the so-called ‘millennial vote’, a demographic with which she’s recently struggled. “Listen nerds, I know a lot of you don’t give two shits about the Supreme Court or income inequality or really even global security, but I swear to God, Donald Trump is coming for your LaCroix.” The former first lady, senator and secretary of state went on to add that if elected Trump would also likely break-up the nation’s communal tables and make stealing your parents’ HBOGo password a Class-A felony.


According to a recent Quinnipiac poll, since August 25th 17% of millennials have filled their pants with a big runny dump. (AP Photo)

Reached for comment Tuesday morning, millennials doubled-down on their lack of enthusiasm for the Democratic Party’s nominee, even when faced with the very real possibility that their next president will be a burnt-steak-eating, Grimace-shaped, Cheetos-dusted lunatic. “Look bruh, Hillary’s just not new school. Boring. And like, we’re still gonna have Warby Parker and free Shake Shack Wi-Fi so I’m probably good.”


Hillary makes her case for the continuation of the republic Monday. (AP Photo)


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