WASHINGTON – With Mitt Romney’s failed presidential bid still looming in recent memory, Republican strategists have spent the last several weeks scrambling to craft a new party platform, with heavy emphasis on throwing a whole bunch of shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. With Congressional leaders engaged in writing a variety of stuff on flip-charts and think-tank analysts drawing tons of fucking diagrams and whatnot, it’s hoped a revitalized legislative agenda will be enough to help the party regain the White House in 2016.
So far, the product of much of this work has been a yet unreleased white-paper, titled ‘GOP-16: A Roadmap To Somewhere’, which reportedly outlines a variety of new policies that no one’s quite sure make any sense. Reached for comment, a contact close to the process confirmed that while still preliminary, the over 13,000 page document includes several crayon sketches of Ronald Reagan, and generally reads like the disjointed ramblings of a meth-addled lunatic. And while the full guide is not scheduled for release until Congress reconvenes January 3rd, several sources, who don’t know why they were involved in the first place, have been able to divulge a sample of the proposals that make up the report’s meandering stream of total and utter nonsense:
Page 1: “The official name of the Republican Party will henceforth be changed to ‘The Republican Party feat. Pitbull”.
Page 34: “Henniman’s Salt Water Taffy is delicious. First sold in 1889, Henniman’s has long been known for its superb texture, creamy taste, and getting the kids real spun up. As such, Henniman’s Salt Water Taffy and Henniman’s Salt Water Taffy with Roast Chestnuts will now be the official taffies of the GOP.”
Page 67: “Starting January 1st, 2014, the Department of the Treasury will impose a 15% tax on ironic hats.”
Page 391: “Be it resolved that it is an appropriate time in our nation’s history to put Jeff Dunham and his puppets on the $5 bill.”
Page 396: “In the state of Maine, left-turns will now be illegal. Conversely, in the state of Vermont they will now be mandatory.”
Page 921: “The party would like to reiterate, Juanita, no one is saying you ‘stole’ anything.”
Page 1,046: “Acknowledging the dire state of our country’s education system, starting in 1st grade, the first child to mix up your and you’re will be shot out of a circus cannon.”
Page 1,776: [Photo of a bald eagle holding a musket, riding a motorcycle]
Republican lawmakers are scheduled to resume discussions Tuesday, at which point they plan on taking up several proposals Mitch McConnell recently saw scrawled on the door of an Applebee’s bathroom stall.
UPDATE: A late proposal from Meghan McCain to include a moderated stance on same-sex marriage and women’s reproductive rights was deemed just entirely too fucking insane for words.
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