MENLO PARK – Touting its reputation as a hub of measured, civil discourse, social media giant Facebook confirmed via press release Thursday morning it will this month begin granting an accredited 4-year undergraduate degree in international relations.
“If our users have consistently demonstrated one thing it’s that their indispensable insights on national and international news are matched only by their eagerness to share those insights on an incredibly public social network”, said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, speaking from his office Thursday. “And if they are going to spend their valuable time sourcing the best grainy conspiracy videos from YouTube, changing their profile photos to stand in solidarity with Guatemalan broccoli farmers and sharing their extensive legal scholarship on the Bill of Rights, we should find a way to recognize them for it.”
And former taxi dispatcher and mother of 4 Stacey Hardwick clearly agrees. Hardwick, a 31-year old graduate of the program’s beta test class wrote her 240-word senior thesis on precisely how to defeat the nebulous, existential threat to civilization that is the Islamic State. “People just need to OPEN THEIR EYES [emphasis hers]” said Hardwick, reading her dissertation from the break room of a Tampa-area Chick-fil-A®. “If THE SHEEPLE [emphasis hers] even understood ISIS one bit they would know that we NEED TO ACT [emphasis hers], and crush them, and destroy them. It’s just the only way. We are UNDER ATTACK [emphasis hers]. WE NEED TO LEAD AGAIN [emphasis hers]!!!”
Though the program’s full class schedule has yet to be released, a partial course list obtained by Line & Break appears to speak to the program’s digital roots, with its first year curriculum including ‘Policy 020: Get a Like, Change the World’, ‘Reddit 020: The Wisdom Of Pale Virgins’ and ‘Journalism 020: 15 International Leaders Who Look Just Like Adorable Puppies’.
‘Online Outrage 020: How Much Is Best?’ will also be offered as an elective with students encouraged to add and drop it at their leisure.
A sample term paper from Professor Jane Mackenzie’s ‘Philosophy 020: Everyone’s A Fucking Moron But Me’
At press time, Facebook spokesperson Jim Dent confirmed that it is currently evaluating offering additional educational programming including a Master’s Degree in Religious Studies and a Doctorate in Scorching White Hot Takes on Immigration Policy. In addition, starting in 2017 Facebook will join the NCAA’s Pac-12 Conference, fielding Division 1 teams in Marathon, Triathlon and CrossFit.
(L&B)