CHARLOTTE – Chuck Nolan, spokesperson for this year’s Democratic National Convention, has said the DNC is working around the clock to lower expectations ahead of this week’s party meeting in Charlotte. “Following the RNC last week, we’ve determined our best strategy is to fill the next 72 hours with absolutely nothing”, said Nolan, addressing reporters at the now spartan, darkened Time Warner Cable Arena. “Seriously, we can only hurt ourselves by doing or saying anything. My biggest hope is that we can all shut our mouths for 3 days, then pack up, and get out of here.”
This last minute effort by the DNC to ensure their convention is as bland, vague, and inoffensive as possible has meant around the clock work for campaign staffers. This morning Obama’s communications team unveiled its new slogan for the week, replacing ‘Obama 2012. Forward.’ with simply ‘AMERICA!’ and a picture of a puppy sleeping in a laundry basket.
On the convention floor, the mood among the DNC’s small army of volunteers has been described as ‘nervous optimism’, with most acknowledging that no matter how much political capital they’ve accumulated in the wake of the RNC, they will, as always, find some if not several ways to summarily fuck it up. “You know, we just need to make it through the next 3 days without doing or saying anything stupid,” said Nancy Goode, a 65 year old school teacher from Nevada, in the direction of no one in particular. “That’s right; nothing stupid Nancy. Just avoid saying anything at all really. Not saying anything about anything to anyone.”
Another notable casualty of the 11th hour program changes has been the convention’s primetime speakers list, with many prominent Democrats being rescheduled or removed entirely. Excerpts of a draft program were released to the media late Monday night:
- Debbie Wasserman-Schultz will take the stage Tuesday from 8:00pm to 8:07pm, to discuss her favorite shampoo, and any other topics that are not abortion, welfare, or gay marriage
- Rahm Emanuel’s Wednesday primetime speech has been moved to a closed luncheon at a nearby Olive Garden
- Joe Biden will be delivering his Thursday address from inside a cardboard TV cutout his 6 year old granddaughter made out of a moving box
One unnamed DNC official has also confirmed a plan is being considered that would replace all 3 nights’ primetime speakers with John Kerry reading the Mecklenburg County phonebook from a teleprompter.
The change in strategy comes hot on the heels of a somewhat erratic Republican Convention, which has so far failed to provide the Romney/Ryan ticket with a much needed polling bump. Many have laid the blame for the lacklustre RNC on both Governor Romney’s inability to convey words and human emotions, and the decision to dedicate a primetime speaking slot to an 82 year old high-school shop teacher heckling a rusty barstool.