Category Politics

trump

In bid to retake cable news cycle Trump seen railing Statue of Liberty

NEW YORK – Following the reported crash of EgyptAir flight MS804, en route from Paris to Cairo Thursday morning, a panicked Donald Trump was spotted at 8am EST in Times Square having vigorous sex with a mime dressed like the Statue of Liberty. “Oh God, we are making America great again folks, believe me!” said the former reality show star […]

"You did this, all of you." George Washington, Wednesday evening on The Kelly File. (AP Photo)

“You morons”; ghost of George Washington scolds nation

NEW YORK – Following Donald Trump’s nomination-clinching win in Tuesday’s Indiana primary, the ghost of George Washington stopped by Fox News late Tuesday evening to castigate the nation he helped usher into existence. “This is why you can’t have nice things”, said the 1st President of the United States, hovering high above the city that bears his name. “I […]

"It is not radical to say that cereal should not come from a glass cylinder, with a little crank on the bottom. Cereal should come from a box." Sen. Sanders speaks with supporters Wednesday. (AP Photo)

Sanders: Large corporations are destroying America’s complimentary hotel breakfasts

WEST VIRGINIA – Despite four primary losses Tuesday and a near impossible path to the Democratic nomination, Senator Bernie Sanders continued his campaign’s push through West Virginia early Wednesday, with a speaking stop in the breakfast lounge/ multi-purpose space of a Huntington, West Virginia Days Inn. “For too long we have allowed large corporations to ruin our discount hotels’ complimentary breakfasts” […]

trumpbrady

Cruz, Kasich unite to stop Brady

WASHINGTON – Appealing to fans of the NFL’s 31 non-New England Patriots, presidential candidates Ted Cruz and John Kasich announced Monday they’d agreed to coordinate their remaining campaign efforts on states where each had the best chance of winning, all in an effort to prevent the eventual election of a president likely to appoint a […]

hillary

After New York win, Hillary begins push to woo Bernie voters

NEW YORK – Following her commanding victory in the New York Democratic primary Tuesday night, Hillary Clinton spoke Wednesday with supporters at a rally in Stamford, CT, informally beginning her general election appeal to Senator Sanders’ more typically young, white, urban voters. “I get you folks! You millennial hip guys and gals! With your snapping and […]

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President Cruz signs ‘Modesty in Adult Relations Act’

March 8th, 2017 WASHINGTON – This morning in an Oval Office ceremony, President Ted Cruz signed into law H.R. 26, The Modesty in Adult Relations Act, formally requiring that all American sexual intercourse now be exclusively between two married, heterosexual adults, wearing at least business casual, at a maximum frequency of once per fiscal quarter, performed through a […]

ternie

Dem, GOP presidential candidates alarmed to learn they’re all running to lead the same country

WASHINGTON – Presidential candidates from both the Democratic and Republican parties were scrambling Wednesday morning after a memo began circulating Tuesday night indicating that they’re all ostensibly running to lead “The United States of America”, evidently one single country. The revelation has the potential to pose significant challenges for candidates across the political spectrum, as until now, one party had appeared to believe it was […]

An elderly American, seen here with his single loose stick of dynamite - (AP Photo)

Editorial: Nation founded on inalienable right to bear an olde timey stick of dynamite

By Martin Smedley OPINION – In the wake of yet another deadly act of domestic terrorism, we as Americans must once again make clear that as a nation we remain resolutely in support of our constitutional right to keep and bear a single, olde-timey stick of dynamite, if we want. As has been said time and time again, the answer to the […]

facebook

Facebook to begin offering 4-year degree program in international relations

MENLO PARK – Touting its reputation as a hub of measured, civil discourse, social media giant Facebook confirmed via press release Thursday morning it will this month begin granting an accredited 4-year undergraduate degree in international relations. “If our users have consistently demonstrated one thing it’s that their indispensable insights on national and international news are matched only by their eagerness to […]

scottmaclean

Top diabetes prospect Scott MacLean, 6, excited for 2014 Halloween season

JACKSON – With the 2014 Halloween season a mere 2 days away, all eyes are on 6-year old and top type II diabetes prospect Scott MacLean, of Jackson, Mississippi. MacLean, nicknamed “Mr. October” after putting up back-to-back 10,000 calorie Halloweens, has high hopes this year, setting the ambitious goal of reaching an insulin-defying blood-glucose level of 150 mg/dL. “His numbers have been truly astounding,” […]