Category Other

Do you even realize my birthday's coming up? - (AP Photo)

Editorial: Miley Cyrus, Syria drawing public attention from my birthday

BY ARTHUR LIPSTEIN I just have to ask, in the past several days, have any of you people taken even a minute away from discussing Miley Cyrus’s outrageous performance at Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards and Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad’s alleged use of chemical weapons against his own people, to think about my, Arthur Lipstein’s, […]

Uber's new handyman location service begins Monday. - (AP Photo)

Über to test launch new ‘José’ handyman service

SAN FRANCISCO – Following on the impressive success of its app based black-car platform in markets around the globe, today Über announced the Beta launch of its newest offering, ‘José’, an on-demand handyman location service. Starting Monday, users downloading the free iPhone, iPad, Android, and Blackberry app will be able to view the locations of friendly, […]

An artists rendering of exactly how these people's New Years Eve will look. - (AP Photo)

Report: Friends’ New Years Plan Really Coming Together

TORONTO – According to sources a group of 25 friends have really nailed down a single, well-organized plan for New Years Eve. “It was pretty simple”, confirmed group organizer Lindsay Stalls, speaking Friday while relaxing in the assurance she had a roundly supported schedule for ringing in 2013. “The club had plenty of reasonably priced […]

Fieri, throughout his violently convulsive regurgitation, still managed to stay "gnarly" and "totally rad". - (AP Photo)

Guy Fieri distraught, sickened by foul sandwich

NASHVILLE – Sampling his first bite of Ma Stevenson’s Famous Smoked Chicken Sandwich, the nearly 100-year old signature entree at Annie’s Diner in Claremont, TN, Guy Fieri, host of the Food Network’s popular Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, was reported to be, according to one patron, “absolutely fucking disgusted”. After spending much of the day excitedly […]

Your mother awaiting your arrival, wondering what light illness you'll bring home this year. - (AP Photo)

Nation’s mothers very concerned you might be getting sick

MINNEAPOLIS – With another Thanksgiving weekend fast approaching, mothers across the country are once again preparing to latch onto even the tiniest sniffle as proof that you’re getting a cold. Covering a range of festive scenarios, from you sweeping leaves off your front lawn, to you taking in your nephew’s outdoor football game, your mother […]

A wet, disoriented man is reminded by his wife to also pick up the drycleaning because she wants to wear her really cute blue shirt tonight. - (AP Photo)

Local resident does errands

BOSTON – An area man was reportedly seen in Boston’s South End this past Sunday rapidly ducking in and out of local businesses, toting a paper checklist of items he needed to purchase, return, or exchange. According to witnesses, the man, approximately 45 years of age, was dressed in a baggy, tucked-in Ralph Lauren polo […]

Alicia Franklin is on vacation!! - (AP Photo)

Report: You click on friend of friend’s Facebook photo

SAN ANTONIO – According to reports, a Facebook photo of two bikini-clad young women was recently viewed by you. The photo, originally a very small thumbnail but then much larger after you clicked on it, shows two attractive 25 year olds tanning, wearing only swimwear, at a location unfamiliar to you. “Why would anyone post […]

Mike Smith is very important! - (AP Photo)

Breaking: Mike Smith is about to have a busy week!

CHICAGO – According to his Facebook page, Mike Smith is expecting a very busy week, with a lot of business travel! Smith, a 23 year old data analyst, posted Sunday night a lengthy description of his upcoming destinations, listing each city’s airport code, as business and other very important people often do. Responding to the […]

A photographic reconstruction of how poor people imagine a nightclub - (AP Photo)

3,000 Miami clubgoers spontaneously agree no one’s having fun

MIAMI – According to reports, around 1am this Sunday morning, partygoers at South Beach’s Plush nightclub all simultaneously realized they were having an absolutely fucking awful time. “Holy shit, do you know how loud it is in here?” shouted one agonized male guest, doubled-over near a large dance floor speaker. “The music is way, way too loud. It’s hurting […]

red-solo-cup

Two red cups; an intervention.

Solo cup, It is with a heavy heart I write you today; I wish it were on a happier subject. You need to pull your life together. I am tired of getting calls at 3am, telling me you’ve been pulled out of some trash bin, completely covered in beer, or worse. I am tired of […]