Ahead of debates, Presidential candidates reassure voters that they’re retarded

HARTFORD – Ahead of Wednesday’s first presidential debate, both candidates’ campaigns are working feverishly to downplay expectations, and make clear to voters their nominee is truly a vapid, incoherent shithead.

Republican strategist Steve Schmidt weighed in Sunday morning, saying on Meet the Press, “Governor Romney is not known as a particularly skilled debater, and at this point I’d say his aspirational goal is a tie, and no N-words.” He then went on to praise Obama, repeatedly referencing the President’s clear oratorical advantage as a graduate of Harvard Law School.

In a similar vein, White House Sr. Advisor David Plouffe offered his own projection Monday afternoon, in a New York Times op-ed. “I worry the President might forget where he is”, wrote Plouffe. “He’s an idiot. He knows maybe 15 words. It’s going to be a disaster. Sincerely, he has the verbal dexterity of a child.”

A white man practices saying nothing offensive Saturday afternoon – (AP Photo)

The parade of hedging continued Tuesday morning, with one of Romney’s Harvard Business School classmates, Michelle Smith, appearing on Fox & Friends: “I remember a particular classroom case discussion in our first year at HBS. I believe we were discussing incentive-based compensation at Lincoln Electric. Anyways, Mitt was cold called by our professor and he just threw up all over himself. It was wild.”

BREAKING: In the last several hours, amid widespread public confusion over which nominee is least qualified to be entrusted to speak on behalf of the nation, each candidate has attempted to clarify his debate credentials. Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force Once, President Obama admitted that he’s anxious, as he’s been struggling throughout debate prep to remain straight-faced when thinking that Mitt Romney is so-named because he’s actually a Romulan. Not to be outdone, Romney penned an explanatory email to supporters by mashing a keyboard with an open palm and attaching an MS Paint drawing he did of a butterfly.

The first Presidential debate airs at 9PM Wednesday on all major networks.


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