Author Archives: stevekenning
In bid to retake cable news cycle Trump seen railing Statue of Liberty
NEW YORK – Following the reported crash of EgyptAir flight MS804, en route from Paris to Cairo Thursday morning, a panicked Donald Trump was spotted at 8am EST in Times Square having vigorous sex with a mime dressed like the Statue of Liberty. “Oh God, we are making America great again folks, believe me!” said the former reality show star […]
“You morons”; ghost of George Washington scolds nation
NEW YORK – Following Donald Trump’s nomination-clinching win in Tuesday’s Indiana primary, the ghost of George Washington stopped by Fox News late Tuesday evening to castigate the nation he helped usher into existence. “This is why you can’t have nice things”, said the 1st President of the United States, hovering high above the city that bears his name. “I […]
Hanson unexpectedly drops 7th studio album, ‘Sunny D’
NASHVILLE – Hanson fans awoke to quite the surprise Friday morning, with the American pop band unexpectedly releasing its 7th studio album, ‘Sunny D’, simultaneously on both Tidal and as a ‘visual album’ on HBO Go. ‘Sunny D’ explores the complexities and challenges of the band’s upbringing in and around Jenks, Oklahoma, and delves deep into issues of […]
Sanders: Large corporations are destroying America’s complimentary hotel breakfasts
WEST VIRGINIA – Despite four primary losses Tuesday and a near impossible path to the Democratic nomination, Senator Bernie Sanders continued his campaign’s push through West Virginia early Wednesday, with a speaking stop in the breakfast lounge/ multi-purpose space of a Huntington, West Virginia Days Inn. “For too long we have allowed large corporations to ruin our discount hotels’ complimentary breakfasts” […]
Cruz, Kasich unite to stop Brady
WASHINGTON – Appealing to fans of the NFL’s 31 non-New England Patriots, presidential candidates Ted Cruz and John Kasich announced Monday they’d agreed to coordinate their remaining campaign efforts on states where each had the best chance of winning, all in an effort to prevent the eventual election of a president likely to appoint a […]
After New York win, Hillary begins push to woo Bernie voters
NEW YORK – Following her commanding victory in the New York Democratic primary Tuesday night, Hillary Clinton spoke Wednesday with supporters at a rally in Stamford, CT, informally beginning her general election appeal to Senator Sanders’ more typically young, white, urban voters. “I get you folks! You millennial hip guys and gals! With your snapping and […]
President Cruz signs ‘Modesty in Adult Relations Act’
March 8th, 2017 WASHINGTON – This morning in an Oval Office ceremony, President Ted Cruz signed into law H.R. 26, The Modesty in Adult Relations Act, formally requiring that all American sexual intercourse now be exclusively between two married, heterosexual adults, wearing at least business casual, at a maximum frequency of once per fiscal quarter, performed through a […]
Editorial: Bobby Thompson, 6, doesn’t have a fucking clue how airplanes work
By Dr. Milton F. Schrumpfmeister, PhD OPINION – I have worked as a full professor in MIT’s Department of Aeronautics and Astronautics since 1974. In that time I have served as a technical advisor to Boeing, Airbus, Bombardier and the United States Air Force. I have logged over 5,000 hours of flight time in the cockpit of my own Cessna […]
Dem, GOP presidential candidates alarmed to learn they’re all running to lead the same country
WASHINGTON – Presidential candidates from both the Democratic and Republican parties were scrambling Wednesday morning after a memo began circulating Tuesday night indicating that they’re all ostensibly running to lead “The United States of America”, evidently one single country. The revelation has the potential to pose significant challenges for candidates across the political spectrum, as until now, one party had appeared to believe it was […]
7 everyday habits of highly productive people
SAN FRANCISCO – Here are 7 everyday habits of successful people. You should have these habits as well. 1. Make lists: This is a list. 2. Crush a bug: Find a bug in your house, trap it, and grind it into the floor. Maybe an ant or mosquito; it’s not important what kind. You may spend your days sorting […]