MIAMI – According to reports, around 1am this Sunday morning, partygoers at South Beach’s Plush nightclub all simultaneously realized they were having an absolutely fucking awful time.
“Holy shit, do you know how loud it is in here?” shouted one agonized male guest, doubled-over near a large dance floor speaker. “The music is way, way too loud. It’s hurting my chest and I want to leave.”
Reactions in the club’s table service area were similarly stark, with many astounded by the cost of a night spent cramped in a dim, fetid hell pit. “Who let me spend $1,200 on a bottle of champagne?” a panicked 20 year old from Ohio was heard asking a nearby friend. “I work at Target. I can’t afford any of this.”
Similarly, at an adjacent booth a group of young men were overheard quietly trying to determine why they’d decided to share their table with a half dozen female strangers. “Who let them over here?” asked one, wearing a tight white dress shirt and distressed jeans. “The chick next to Tommy drank half of our Grey Goose, and so far she seems to have no interest in any sort of meaningful conversation.”
Later, as waves of dazed and disillusioned partyers made for the club’s exits, several women were seen aimlessly wandering barefoot over alcohol soaked carpet, while at least 10 intoxicated tourists were observed being stuffed into waiting taxis by poorly suited ex-Dolphins offensive linemen.
By midday Sunday, most attendees had realized the $200 they’d taken out Saturday night was completely gone, and that they were suffering a piercingly severe headache. In addition, approximately 20% had vomited in the past few hours. “Why do we do this?” most were reportedly asking themselves, adding, “What’s wrong with us?”
As of writing, dozens of awkward men and overweight women were unavailable for comment, as they were still in line.