Monthly Archives: November 2012

grumpy

Local resident reportedly can’t believe what this world is coming to

TULSA – According to reports, an area man is sincerely sure this whole place is going to hell in a handbasket, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to sit around and watch it happen. Reached for comment sitting in an old musty recliner, Joseph Thackery, 72, was ardent that he just can’t understand what’s […]

After having lost the Presidency by over 3 million votes, insiders report the GOP is toying with next running a Hispanic candidate, or an Asian-American candidate, or an Asian-Asian candidate, or a box of old vinyl records, or Woody from Toy Story. - (AP Photo)

Following Romney loss, GOP pledges to ‘just try some shit’

WASHINGTON – With Mitt Romney’s failed presidential bid still looming in recent memory, Republican strategists have spent the last several weeks scrambling to craft a new party platform, with heavy emphasis on throwing a whole bunch of shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. With Congressional leaders engaged in writing a variety of stuff […]

Your mother awaiting your arrival, wondering what light illness you'll bring home this year. - (AP Photo)

Nation’s mothers very concerned you might be getting sick

MINNEAPOLIS – With another Thanksgiving weekend fast approaching, mothers across the country are once again preparing to latch onto even the tiniest sniffle as proof that you’re getting a cold. Covering a range of festive scenarios, from you sweeping leaves off your front lawn, to you taking in your nephew’s outdoor football game, your mother […]

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Through vitriolic Twitter argument, Israeli, Palestinian teenagers solve Gaza conflict

TEL AVIV – Following a heated Twitter exchange, Seth Adom of Tel Aviv and Khalid Al Massri of Gaza appear to have solved and ended the ongoing bloody conflict that had been engulfing the Gaza strip. The argument began around 10pm Monday evening, with Adom posting to his Twitter account a photo of Israel’s new […]

A wet, disoriented man is reminded by his wife to also pick up the drycleaning because she wants to wear her really cute blue shirt tonight. - (AP Photo)

Local resident does errands

BOSTON – An area man was reportedly seen in Boston’s South End this past Sunday rapidly ducking in and out of local businesses, toting a paper checklist of items he needed to purchase, return, or exchange. According to witnesses, the man, approximately 45 years of age, was dressed in a baggy, tucked-in Ralph Lauren polo […]

"How many times did they boink? Where did they boink? Did they boink in the middle of the day?" Sen. Feinstein asking hard questions of the Petraeus (Left) and Broadwell affair - (AP Photo)

Feinstein: Nation deserves answers on Petraeus’s affair, package

WASHINGTON – In the wake of the ongoing scandal involving an affair between former Director of the CIA David Petraeus, his biographer Paula Broadwell, and Miami socialite Jill Kelly, media outlets and top lawmakers are scrambling for information. Appearing on The Situation Room Tuesday afternoon, Senator Diane Feinstein, Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee was […]

Gigantor Governor Romney pauses briefly by Boston's Custom House Tower to check email. - (AP Photo)

HAPPENING NOW: Angry 400ft tall Mitt Romney terrorizing Boston

BOSTON – Reports are flooding in that a massive, irate Mitt Romney is stomping through the streets of Boston, leaving a broad swath of destruction in his wake. According to witnesses, after conceding his Presidential campaign last night, Romney took several shots of Jameson, tipped over a large media platform, and burst through the Boston […]

Alicia Franklin is on vacation!! - (AP Photo)

Report: You click on friend of friend’s Facebook photo

SAN ANTONIO – According to reports, a Facebook photo of two bikini-clad young women was recently viewed by you. The photo, originally a very small thumbnail but then much larger after you clicked on it, shows two attractive 25 year olds tanning, wearing only swimwear, at a location unfamiliar to you. “Why would anyone post […]