Monthly Archives: October 2012

"Not on your f#$king life." A spokesperson responds to the current emphasis on binders in the presidential election - (AP Photo)

Binders: ‘Leave us out of this’

NEW YORK – Responding to comments made by Mitt Romney during Tuesday night’s debate, that as Massachusetts Governor he’d received “binders full of women”, binders are making clear they want no part in the utter clusterf$#k that is this presidential election. “Whoa, whoa, hold on.” said a spokesperson, appearing on MSNBC’s Morning Joe Wednesday. “We […]

President Obama and Governor Romney jovially reflect on how much they f^&king hate each other. - (AP Photo)

Obama Top Gun volleyball high-fives First Lady, departs debate

LONG ISLAND – Having roundly defeated Mitt Romney, the insufferable father-coach of your childhood pee wee baseball team, in Tuesday night’s presidential debate, President Obama donned aviator sunglasses, gave the First Lady a Top Gun volley-ball high-five, and departed Hofstra University, amid firing ticker-tape canons. Riding back to Washington in a neon-trimmed limo bus that […]

Mike Smith is very important! - (AP Photo)

Breaking: Mike Smith is about to have a busy week!

CHICAGO – According to his Facebook page, Mike Smith is expecting a very busy week, with a lot of business travel! Smith, a 23 year old data analyst, posted Sunday night a lengthy description of his upcoming destinations, listing each city’s airport code, as business and other very important people often do. Responding to the […]

Look at his little pink bracelets! - (AP Photo)

NFL kicks off fifth annual Fabulous Uniform Month

PITTSBURGH – As it has for the last 5 Octobers, this Sunday the National Football League once again kicked off its annual ‘NFL Super Fabulous Uniforms Month’. Celebrating the NFL’s proud tradition of strong, statuesque men in tight little pants, for the next 4 weeks all teams will adorn their on-field uniforms with several items […]

Linda Reichart, with her phone - (AP Photo)

Letter: Watching first presidential debate ‘so super not fun’

FROM: Linda Reichart, DALLAS, TX Dear L&B, Wednesday night, I had a few coworkers over to watch the presidential debate. I thought it’d be a fun thing to do, you know, bond with the girls outside the office? And I went crazy! Got some nice white wine, made bruschetta, I even bought cookies shaped like […]

An idiot practices saying nothing offensive Saturday afternoon - (AP Photo)

Ahead of debates, Presidential candidates reassure voters that they’re retarded

HARTFORD – Ahead of Wednesday’s first presidential debate, both candidates’ campaigns are working feverishly to downplay expectations, and make clear to voters their nominee is truly a vapid, incoherent shithead. Republican strategist Steve Schmidt weighed in Sunday morning, saying on Meet the Press, “Governor Romney is not known as a particularly skilled debater, and at […]